No one tells you about the true sleep deprivation you experience as a first time parent. People are like, "Sleep while you can!" But you don't understand. You have no clue. I've been a Mom for 9 months and he's slept through the night 5 times. I haven't. I'm breastfeeding and one boob is like the size of Africa after 5 hours. I have had two nights that I slept for 4.5 hours in a row and the rest are 2-3 hour chunks. Before actually experiencing this, I would've thought Mom's exaggerated their lack of sleep.
My husband and I call it ...actually I can't remember what phrase we've come up with because I have like a 30 second memory. It's like 50 First Dates. I'm apologizing now to anyone I've met in the last year or two. I could've met you 5 times and it'll be like the first time every time.
The loneliness and the longing for life before your baby needed you every second and put you on house arrest is damn strong.
I miss the days I could run out and go to a yoga class or head to the grocery store and be back home in 10 minutes. There is so much strapping and unstrapping and buckling and buckle fighting while your baby squirms and yells at you.
And I can't wait until he falls asleep, but then when he's asleep I can't wait until he wakes up again.
Motherhood is hard. I've noticed my patience much shorter and my anger management no longer being managed. Having a husband who works 24 hour shifts and being an independent woman it is a tough match for raising a baby and living an hour away from majority of family and friends. Not saying I don't have any here, but you know the only person you want is your Mom.
Not only that, your husband turns into a big man baby:
- "Hey Babe, where's my keys?"
- "Didn't you buy those other tortilla's?"
- "Did you pay my car bill?"
- "Hey, aren't there diapers down here? Where are they?"
AHHHHH!!!!! It's so much pressure and neediness. Again, for independent, free spirited, wanderlusting women - motherhood is the hardest fucking thing in the world. There. I said it. I can't be PG about it. I feel like throwing the f word around any time I step on a toy that starts singing music or noticing my leaking nipples.
So many questions and judgment:
- "Did Bode get all of his shots?"
- "Oh, but blah blah blah loved when we put him/her in that at Bode's age..."
- "Why aren't you feeding him that?"
- "You are so lucky you get to stay at home with your baby."
OH MY GOD!!!
Owning my business and acquiring new clients while having no extra time to actually bring on more clients has been the biggest conundrum. Then hiring someone to watch Bode is heartbreaking. I WANT TO DO IT ALL. I used to be able to do it all. Travel whenever I wanted. Make more money when I booked more clients. I was building quite a little nest egg when we found out Bode was in the oven.
Also, it's hard to be excited for friends while you look in the mirror and have spinach in your teeth, can't remember if you showered and look down to see the Grinch PJ pants and a stained shirt you got while wiping off food from the floor, the chair and your baby's face.
I don't care if it sounds like I'm complaining too much. You've come to this blog for reality. Truth telling.
There is most def a flip side.
I'm completely obsessed and do everything I can to make Bode man smile. He is the funniest person on the planet. You should see his newborn pictures - he is like a comedian.
And watching Alex as a Dad who is in love with his son is quite attractive and heart warming.
Here are a few words to describe being a Mama: amazing, wonderful, exhausting, anxiety producing, stressful, tiring, loving, hilarious, annoying, heart wrenching.
I hear the first year is the hardest, so check back with me in 2018.