WARNING: If you are pregnant and have fears about childbirth, read this after you have your baby.
Our due date was January 11th and on January 20th, I was scheduled for an induction. So we arrived at the hospital at 8PM ready to go, thinking our sweet boy would arrive before midnight.
HA! The contractions came and I said to Alex, "I think I could have this baby naturally, the contractions aren't that bad!" Little did I know... the baby contractions I was experiencing were just revving up their engines.
Around 1AM I said, "I WAS STUPID! I WAS COCKY! I AM NOT DOING THIS NATURAL!" I could barely catch my breath and every position I tried to get "comfy" in was worse than ever. Laying down. NO. Sitting up. NO. Walking around. NO. Peeing. NO. Yoga breath. NO. NO NO NO NO NO.
Things got really fuzzy and that's when I started to experience an out of body feeling. Lots of drugs. Lots of nurses. Bright lights, IV's, doctors, needle pokes, Alex pacing, ice chips...
My water breaks, I'm 10 CM dilated and at 3pm on Saturday, they tell me that it's likely we'll meet our baby boy in 1-3 hours! We look at each other like, "OH MY GOD!!!! THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!" We give our updates via text to family and start the pushing process.
I have two wonderful labor and delivery nurses, a mid-wife and my sweet hub cheering me on. I'm put in every position possible over the next 4 HOURS. Pushing, legs up, legs bent, legs on this bar thing, on my side, knees to chest, knees to shoulders, putting my body in a "C" curve...
Mind you, the last thing I ate was a protein bar at 8PM the night before.
The epidural had worn off. I'd been through 3 rounds of nurses. 2 mid-wives and things were just getting started.
After pushing for what seemed like a millennium, an MD comes in and says that I'm the perfect candidate for a vacuum procedure. It's this or a c-section.
I say, "Let's do this..."
The nurses rally beside me, Alex is in my ear, "Come on baby, dig deep!"
By now there are (no joke) 15 nurses, 1 MD, 2 mid-wives and my sanity disappearing. The worry started to set in. My blood pressure dropped 85/50, my temperature soared and baby's heart rate was declining.
I heard the nurses whispering. Worried glances floated around the room. It was unavoidable. Something wasn't going right.
The vacuum attempt did not work and now they were pushing the baby back inside. I was officially out of it. Watching the words coming out of mouths, but not comprehending meaning. People everywhere. Alex and me locking worried eyes, holding hands and silently agreeing we were going to make it, no matter what. We were going to meet our baby boy.
I believe somewhere in there, a doctor was explaining the risks of a C-Section and saying that since my water broke 19 hours prior, I was now considered high risk. I needed to go now.
They gave me drug options, I agreed to epidural number two and off we went.
I was so tired. SO out of it. My body was uncontrollably shaking and I started to cry.
You know those tears that stream down your face with no noise?
I was wheeled into the C-Section operating room with bright lights, everyone in blue uniform, trying to explain what was happening and what I could expect to feel. There was no time for fearful thinking, it was game time.
The curtain was up and just like the movies, it came to my chest as Alex took my hand and kept whispering words of encouragement. He is my rock.
I had entered into a full panic mode. I could feel the tugging as they cut deep into my abdomen.
When I heard a baby cry, I started to cry! At this point, my vision was not right. I was seeing double of everything and Alex saw the baby coming through my cut open body and said after that that was a sight he will never forget.
ON JANUARY 21ST AT 8:42PM BODE JAMES arrived at 8 pounds and 2 ounces, 22 inches long.
"I saw my wife cut open on the table and my son coming through her incision."
Pretty traumatic and life changing for both of us.
After our stubborn boy was alive and fully intact with all 10 fingers and toes, I felt a wave of relief and the rest of the night is a complete blur.
Thinking back on writing out a birthing plan that read, "I'd like soft music, delayed cord clamping, 1 hour of skin to skin, blah blah blah" is the funniest thing ever. There's no way in hell you can plan what's going to happen.
Childbirth = first real lesson of letting go of control.
The healing process after a C Section is brutal.
10 days later, I'm walking around like quasimodo, my Mom has basically moved in and Alex looks at me with blood shot eyes.
But we wouldn't change it. For anything.
I am a warrior.
I am a mother.
And looking at this smiling little sleeper, nurser and pint sized life brings me everything I've ever wanted and never knew.