I haven't been weighing myself throughout this pregnancy because I don't really care what the scale says. What freaks me out is not being able to bend over and pick things up. Or my thighs rubbing together. But, I was curious to see how much weight I've gained in 5 months. 14 pounds.
It didn't even faze me. 14 pounds - so what? When I told Alex he said, "Isn't that what you weight when we first met?" Insert dagger eyed response.
I replied (very sweetly if I may add), "No, we're still 10 pounds away from when we first met."
It dawned on me how uncomfortable I was with 24 extra pounds on my petite, yet curvy frame. Not just in my body, but emotionally I felt much heavier. When I was at my highest weight, I had low self confidence and self worth filled with goals and dreams that seemed unattainable.
I didn't have a clear direction or path of how I wanted my life to turn out...until I started losing weight the holistic way - no pills, potions or powders. Okay, so Vitamin B12, Vitamin D, fish oils, amino acids and probiotics became my best friend, but I felt on top of the world because I finally knew what my body needed to thrive!!
Do you know what your body needs to thrive? Or does it feel like there's something missing, but you're not sure what to do?
I felt that way for a long time. Just empty. A counselor diagnosed me with chronic low grade depression.
Drinking alcohol helped me fit in and allowed me to say things I didn't feel comfortable saying when sober. Smoking weed was fun in high school and college until my brain chemistry changed.
Being the "healthy one" at parties sucked for a long time. I wanted to feel the way that everyone felt around me. Carefree. Loose. Giggly. But I knew that even having one drink didn't feel right.
Alex has told me that I'm the worst partier and it's true. Every story I have about trying something has turned into a nightmare. I could never hold my liquor. I almost always ended up with my head in the toilet and when I made the choice to be the sober one, I lost friends. I stopped getting invites to parties.
Drinking brings me anxiety. Have you ever felt like this?
"I'm going to wake up feeling like shit."
"I won't have the motivation to do anything."
"What did I say last night?"
"I can't remember bits and pieces of the night."
"My heart is going to jump out of my chest!"
"I just don't feel right."
So not drinking for 5 months has been a piece of cake. I'm working on my thoughts. My fears about bringing a baby into this world, about my growing body. My stomach is stretching and it hurts, but I've come to terms that women have been getting pregnant for centuries and I can do it too.