Want to know something strange? I was scared to sign up for yoga teacher training because I was scared it would change me. I was scared my family and friends wouldn't accept this new person I was becoming. I knew deep down that this would be the beginning of real transformation and I didn't know if I was ready for it. I also knew that going through this self care, self development 4 month program would be the beginning of the end for a toxic romantic relationship I was in and I wasn't ready to let the rollercoaster relationship go. It's what I knew. It's what I was used too. Never feeling 100% secure in a relationship. Addicted to the high's and the low's. I had no idea what stability or security was or how I should be treated.
I remember when I walked home from yoga training that I walked with confidence and a smile. I knew I was changing. My Mom would say that it was the happiest she ever saw me. I knew she was right. I slowly found my confidence and felt worthy of being treated well. I started to notice things about my relationship that I no longer liked. In my relationship, I hung onto the way I was treated at 18 and tried to ignore how shitty I felt at 25 years old. I wasn't the same, but I still wasn't ready to move on.
"Who would I be without the person I spent almost a decade with?" He constantly told me that I'd never find anyone who loved me the way he did.
At 26, I found my voice, my confidence and had blind trust to walk away and figure out what the hell and who the hell was important to me. I craved a good, kind man, someone who would assure me when I felt like giving up.
I went to Institute for Integrative Nutrition in 2012 and viewed food in a completely different fashion. No more calorie counting? No more fat free Snackwell's cookies? Lean cuisines aren't actually nutrition packed? I didn't have to stop eating my favorite foods in order to lose weight?
For an entire year I was dedicated to learning more about holistic foods and ways to eat, I went to naturopath's and found my home in natural wellness centers and grocery stores. Whole Foods became my best friend and smoothies were an every day ritual. I felt good. Damn good. I figured out the dieting Rubix cube: don't diet.
I look back on how fear kept me playing on the sidelines. Fear of rejection. Fear of not having enough money to do everything I wanted to do. Fear of investing in myself and my business, only to keep me stuck in the same place. Fear in going after what I wanted. Fear of public speaking. Fear of standing up for what I believed in - whether that was how I wanted to be treated or how I wanted to eat.
People still make fun of me for being 'healthy,' and not drinking.
"You're not fun anymore."
But you know who always wins? Me. Because I am energized. Happy. Fulfilled. Never hung over. Ready to go on an adventure and not worry about how much I need to work out. I can put on a swimsuit at any time (not always feeling 100%) but knowing how to accept that body I am in at that particular moment. If I indulged more, sat on the couch more frequently, didn't drink as much water, ate too many chips, grabbed a protein bar instead of making a quality meal, I deal with it.
To find freedom from food is the biggest happiness factor and when you find it, you'll feel it too.