For the past week or so I have been working longer hours + constantly questioning what I am doing. I worked 14+ hour days for 3 days straight on top of my teaching, health coaching + detoxing life. I overdid it and to compensate for my fatigue, I started eating more. I am working a lot to save money for my upcoming day of bliss. Or so that's how I'm apparently supposed to view it. (warning: I've turned into a cynic)
It reminded me of how I ate 5 years ago. When I would leave parties to eat by myself at home, shoveling as many cookies into my mouth as I could and immediately feeling guilty and depressed. I haven't binged in such a long time that I had to dig deep to figure out what was going on. Well, my wedding is a big stress. It's really outrageously overwhelming to me because I am not a planner, nor a detailed one, so figuring out the logistics of an out of town wedding is making me want to pull out my hair. I have friends who tell me to, "enjoy the moment." I swallow deeply and straighten up my shirt, instead of crying. Easy to say when you are on the other side, I am reminded how often I said that to my friends getting married not understanding the many, many headaches that go into wedding planning. Yes it will all turn out beautifully, but in the meantime I'll keep my head down low and my hand in the chip bowl.
There was a day last week where I ate so much and was so full, but I kept eating. I imagined the food piling on top of each other in my stomach, every item scrambling for room. I knew I was full but I felt like there was this hole inside of me that I couldn't fill up! I needed more. So I ate until my belly bulged and went into a food coma.
So I had to dig deep and ponder why I was in the self sabotage phase. I looked at myself in the mirror and asked, "What is going on with you!? Why are you sad/lonely/empty right now? What can we do to get you out of this funk?" I thought for a long time and kept trying to figure out the reason.
Overwhelmed. Stressed. Out of my comfort zone. All these things make me eat salty, filling food that I don't really want nor need. I normally like feeling good, pleasantly full and filling my body with foods that give me energy. I guess it was a reminder that I am going through something life changing + to take a deep breath and get back on track.
I understand how in stressful periods in life, food is the only pleasure. I totally get it. At a job you hate? Is food the only thing you look forward to?
Just a human story hoping another human reads it and thinks, "Thank God she has those moments too!"
Fearful to Fit
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