Have you ever had the weeks where you struggle? You try like hell to find optimism in the situation you're in but continue to feel beaten down?
That's how I've been feeling since day 1 of surgery on October 12th. Today is October 24th, but it feels like years have gone by, slowly.
In college I broke my foot and ankle and ended up at a whack job doc. He put me in a boot and said I'd be cool. Months went by and I was not better by any means. I went to a foot doctor who took X-Ray's and said I'd need surgery. So I had surgery where they put 3 screws in my foot, I remember a lot of pain and Gilmore Girls. I was living at my folks, had just graduated college and was on couch arrest for several months, until I upgraded to a boot again. After a year of boot/cast/crutches/physical therapy, I was able to walk. But something wasn't right. When I went on hikes, my foot would lock and curl up into a burrito. If I taught too many barre classes, I wouldn't be able to walk the next day. Every step I took was calculated. If I stepped on my foot in just the right spot, I'd cringe and want to drop to the ground.
My husband had heard enough. He made me see the orthopedic God in Seattle, so off I went. There were X-rays, talks of arthritis, calcification and screw removal. We scheduled another surgery post honeymoon.
On October 12th, I headed in. October 12th I came out of surgery instantly regretting my decision from the amount of narcotics that were trying to leave my body. My clean, "No I won't take Advil," mentality had just been injected with God knows what and I was not a happy camper.
12 days later I sit here in a boot that just got placed on yesterday. Stitches were torn out of my foot and it might've been the most painful part so far. Blood dripped from the seams and I squeezed my leg in teeth gritting pain.
I've felt lonely. Empty. Dejected. Friendless. Helpless. Total depression and it hasn't even been two weeks.
I don't try to run away from those feelings, I let them come because this is how I'm feeling. I know that most feelings are self created, the friendless in particular.
My friends have shown up, they've checked on me, brought by flowers, Oprah magazines and food. They've texted me asking how I'm doing - some on a daily basis. In these dark times, (I might be a little dramatic), I will never forget those who have gone out of their way. They have no idea how much it means to see a face + know that someone cares enough to spend some time chatting on the couch. It is the highlight of my day.
People are not meant to be on their own all the time. They are meant to be with other people. Isolation is not fun, it is miserable. But, there is always room for silver linings.
Yes, Skype sessions for health coaching has been a job saver. I feel way better about offering these to clients to stay connected and still do my job. I've realized that I don't have to be somewhere to do my job, I have to be in front of a computer with my heart wide open + my listening ears in full effect.
No matter what situation you are in, do you have the ability to find a silver lining? Even if you have to dig deep and nothing comes up at first, do your absolute best to find something beautiful in the sea of despair.