10 months postpartum depression

I thought that postpartum depression looked like a Mom sleeping all the time, laying on the couch with no makeup and staying in her bathrobe all day.

It kind of does.

But not every day.

I am 10 months postpartum and I was recently diagnosed with postpartum depression.

Some days I am so filled with energy that I can make a smoothie bowl, take care of Bode, see 3 clients, teach a yoga class and shower twice before going to bed before 11pm.

Other days, I wake up like a zombie, make breakfast for Bode, turn on the TV and lay on the couch for the first few hours. I was NEVER a daytime TV watcher and we canceled cable this year because my husband and I talked about how we never watched it. 

This year I've had such a hard time sleeping, averaging 3 hours for 9 or so months and people kept telling me it's normal for the baby to not sleep through the night. But didn't say anything about how that would affect me or how shitty I must be feeling. I started to resent anyone who told me it was normal and that it's part of the no-sleep first year.

I stopped going to yoga. I've maybe gone 10 times this year? And I've gone to 5 barre classes. This is coming from someone who taught up to 3 barre classes and 2 yoga classes per day! A fitness instructor to someone who wanted to work out but had 0 energy to give.

That is what depression looks like. Someone who can't pick themselves off of the couch, but not every day, just some days.

Then, there was the feeling during the night that someone was going to break into our home and take Bode.

Apparently this thought is very common among emergency C-Section Mama's. The last 30 or so minutes while I was getting stitched up, Bode and Alex were sent to another room while I laid alone with tears streaming down my face wondering what just happened and if the last 25 hours were real or not.

For the last several months I've had horrible reoccurring nightmares that wake me up. Recently it got so bad that I punched Alex in my sleep and screamed, "Where's my baby!?" We laugh about it now, but that's some serious PTSD.

Why am I so open?

Because I know so many women are going through this and we all feel like we're nuts. Well we are not, we went through a very traumatic event and had our entire life change over night. Motherhood on its own is a huge adjustment, throw in a traumatic birth and voila - perfect recipe for postpartum depression and PTSD. 

When people are like, "You are so lucky and your baby is beautiful!!" I know this already. It has everything to do with my brain and the circuits not connecting or overlapping. 

It's overwhelming and fleeting. Time flies by that's for damn sure and the best thing another Mama can do is just say, "it's the hardest thing you'll ever do."

I'm getting tons of support and help and have a great community of women cheering me on, but if you are struggling and need someone to talk to - there are GREAT counselors who specialize in postpartum depression.

And remember depression looks different on every person. It could be the perfectly made up woman you see on social media or the Pinterest Mom who seems to have everything together. It could be the Mom who got her 6 pack back 3 months after she had her baby or the full-time career woman who is barely hanging on but has to work to support her family.

I am with you.

Love Always,

JJ Muenz

So I'm going on TV in two days

I got an email from a producer a few days ago asking if I was available to do a cooking demo for a local news channel in Seattle...

HELL YES!!!!

You know those moments when you feel like momentum is picking up and you're on fire? My client list is steadily picking back up (there were a few months I was a Mama and couldn't do it all) but I AM BACK and things are moving fast.

The Fall Detox is going great - still helping clients detox to build their immunity so they don't catch the winter cold. Then last Saturday I hosted a Detox Cooking Workshop and loved every second. There we are below!

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Yes, I provide online programs and private coaching via phone, but the in-person ACTUAL HUMAN INTERACTION is my favorite.

That's why I'm hosting ANOTHER workshop next month.

It's safe to say my hands are full and I am loving every minute! A little overwhelmed because I run a business, am a new mom and operate around a shift worker's schedule, but this is how you do it! YOU JUST DO! In late January I thought it wouldn't be possible. I thought that Bode man would take the company I built from nothing and squash it with his cuteness. I am still 100% obsessed with this beautiful boy we created, but Mama is getting her groove back. 

It's hard. FOR SURE. I sometimes wonder how I'm doing it. How anyone is doing it. How do people work and parent and stay who you are, but not stay who you are and continue to grow in all ways, but super fast. I keep thinking, "I'll just wait until things slow down..." and I'm sitting here looking at him and he's almost 10 months!

Life does not slow down.

It speeds up and a baby shows you just how fast time goes!

So, I'm living with no regrets.

I'm doing the show on Wednesday. Check out King 5 New Day Northwest - think it's airing around 11am.

And there's this...

I booked a business retreat in December that I'll be going to ALONE. That's right. AN ENTIRE HOTEL ROOM TO MYSELF where I can sleep. I don't even know what I'll do with all that silence. Probably face time Bode and Alex the whole time...or not. Maybe a bath? WITH LAVENDER ESSENTIAL OIL? OH MY GOD AM I EXCITED! It'll be the first time I'm alone for more than a few hours in 10 MONTHS! SAY WHAT.

Then in February, I'm leading the Winter Beauty Detox Retreat in the gorgeous Leavenworth, WA and I booked a legit lodge. WHAT. 

CARPE DIEM, BABY. SEIZE THE MOTHER FUCKING DAY. 

So many F bombs to myself, usually in my head, but this moment needs to be out loud. 

I BOOKED A LODGE!!!! YAY! GO WOMEN IN BUSINESS EVERYWHERE. And a bunch of brands want to be involved, an amazing yoga instructor is teaching Saturday night and we are going to remember this weekend because we will be changed. I can feel it with every ounce of my being. If  you need a soul shake up - this retreat is for you.

Okay, I'm actually writing this blog to avoid doing what I'm supposed to be doing, which is writing session notes for clients. I needed a little color in my day, a place to get my thoughts out, so if you are reading this - THANK YOU. YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE DOING BIG THINGS. 

And remember this quote I heard last week that gave me the chills, "Not starting is the death of dreams."

BOO YAH.

Love,

J

What no one tells you about motherhood

No one tells you about the true sleep deprivation you experience as a first time parent. People are like, "Sleep while you can!" But you don't understand. You have no clue. I've been a Mom for 9 months and he's slept through the night 5 times. I haven't. I'm breastfeeding and one boob is like the size of Africa after 5 hours. I have had two nights that I slept for 4.5 hours in a row and the rest are 2-3 hour chunks. Before actually experiencing this, I would've thought Mom's exaggerated their lack of sleep.

My husband and I call it ...actually I can't remember what phrase we've come up with because I have like a 30 second memory. It's like 50 First Dates. I'm apologizing now to anyone I've met in the last year or two. I could've met you 5 times and it'll be like the first time every time.

The loneliness and the longing for life before your baby needed you every second and put you on house arrest is damn strong.

I miss the days I could run out and go to a yoga class or head to the grocery store and be back home in 10 minutes. There is so much strapping and unstrapping and buckling and buckle fighting while your baby squirms and yells at you.

And I can't wait until he falls asleep, but then when he's asleep I can't wait until he wakes up again. 

Motherhood is hard. I've noticed my patience much shorter and my anger management no longer being managed. Having a husband who works 24 hour shifts and being an independent woman it is a tough match for raising a baby and living an hour away from majority of family and friends. Not saying I don't have any here, but you know the only person you want is your Mom.

Not only that, your husband turns into a big man baby:

  • "Hey Babe, where's my keys?"
  • "Didn't you buy those other tortilla's?"
  • "Did you pay my car bill?"
  • "Hey, aren't there diapers down here? Where are they?"

AHHHHH!!!!! It's so much pressure and neediness. Again, for independent, free spirited, wanderlusting women - motherhood is the hardest fucking thing in the world. There. I said it. I can't be PG about it. I feel like throwing the f word around any time I step on a toy that starts singing music or noticing my leaking nipples. 

So many questions and judgment:

  • "Did Bode get all of his shots?" 
  • "Oh, but blah blah blah loved when we put him/her in that at Bode's age..."
  • "Why aren't you feeding him that?"
  • "You are so lucky you get to stay at home with your baby."

OH MY GOD!!!

Owning my business and acquiring new clients while having no extra time to actually bring on more clients has been the biggest conundrum. Then hiring someone to watch Bode is heartbreaking. I WANT TO DO IT ALL. I used to be able to do it all. Travel whenever I wanted. Make more money when I booked more clients. I was building quite a little nest egg when we found out Bode was in the oven.

Also, it's hard to be excited for friends while you look in the mirror and have spinach in your teeth, can't remember if you showered and look down to see the Grinch PJ pants and a stained shirt you got while wiping off food from the floor, the chair and your baby's face.

I don't care if it sounds like I'm complaining too much. You've come to this blog for reality. Truth telling.

There is most def a flip side. 

I'm completely obsessed and do everything I can to make Bode man smile. He is the funniest person on the planet. You should see his newborn pictures - he is like a comedian.

And watching Alex as a Dad who is in love with his son is quite attractive and heart warming.

Here are a few words to describe being a Mama: amazing, wonderful, exhausting, anxiety producing, stressful, tiring, loving, hilarious, annoying, heart wrenching.

I hear the first year is the hardest, so check back with me in 2018. 

This is how Karen lost 16 pounds in less than 90 days

I am pretty excited to share this beautiful woman's success story with you today.

Before working together in my 90 day private coaching program, Karen was not doing so well. I remember her coming over for our in-person session and she seemed defeated, beaten down by dieting and ready to start seeing some resultswithout cancelling every social plan.

90 days later, LOOK AT THIS RADIATING BEAUTY who is celebrating 16 pounds down!

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What is your name and what are your titles?

Karen Frank.  I am a Registered Nurse in adult Trauma/Neuro ICU.  I am also our union's Co-chair.  I am a mom, wife, and friend!

What was life like before working with J?

My life was filled with diet after diet trying to lose weight and keep it off.  I was fighting off some depression associated with my lack of weight loss and was becoming obsessed with what I needed to do to get the weight off.  My relationships were suffering and so was my own mental health.

What are your 90 day results?

My results are 14-16 lbs depending on the day/week... lol.  I have lost inches, and am down one dress size, and close to another.  I have become more toned, and much healthier.

What would you tell someone who is hesitant about doing the 90 day program?

I would tell someone that the 90 day program is well worth the money put it.  Your life itself is a huge commitment, therefore a huge change in your lifestyle should be too.  This 90 day program is a game changer.  It not only changed my weight, it changed my soul.

How many diets have you tried in the past and which ones?

I have lost track of how many diets I have attempted in my life.  I would say in the last 2 years I have tried at least 4-5 diets.  Carb cycling, south beach, advocare, beach body, plexus, it works, and many more.

What was different about working with J? Something you haven't received in previous programs?

The big difference in working with J is that it is a full body experience.  The focus is not just on the number on the scale, but what has gone into the weight gain and the reasoning for why it has not come off.  J takes a look at you from the inside out, not the other way around.  I learned more about myself in 90 days than I have in my lifetime.  I examined events in my life that I was continuing to carry guilt over, and have addressed them head on.  I was able to let go of the sadness from bad choices made earlier in my life, and most of all, forgive myself for mistakes I have made along the way.  I realized that by holding onto all of these feelings of guilt, sadness and anger, I was sabotaging my body into not losing the weight!  What an incredible realization!  

I have completely changed my eating habits.  I have eliminated Starbucks from 1-2 per day to now it's just a treat I give myself every now and then.  I cook my food from scratch now so that I know what goes into it, and I fully enjoy cooking and trying new, fun recipes.  I grocery shop differently and have a new found love for fruits and veggies!  I feel like a new woman!

What are your plans now that the 90 days are over?

My plans are to continue working towards my goal of a 30lb weight loss.  I will continue this new journey of life style changes including my eating habits,forgiveness, and love for myself.  I will continue to work on bettering myself as a mom, wife, friend and nurse. 

Note from J: It has been an honor and a joy to witness Karen's transformation over the last 90 days. She is not only a client, but a dear friend and fellow firefighter wife. Not only did we drop a few tears, we also laughed so hard my jaw felt like it was going to fall off.

 
I look forward to serving you in the next level of your health, your lifestyle and most of all, your joy. 

Sisterhood Love,

JJ Muenz
CEO & Founder, Fearful to Fit

P.S. STOP LETTING FEAR RULE YOU! If you're ready to get the success Karen is enjoying, then step into coaching now, and wrap up 2017 in THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE!

Book your call with ME personally here.